The Retrenchment of Solitude

We all have dreams...some which we forget the moment we get up, some which we remember, and some which we want to forget but cannot. A few people seem to live the life of their dreams, but then who can actually qualify it as something which they long for? Life, atleast the physical one which we count in breathes, becomes passe when it comes to living it as an experience of illusions. It extends only till the last breath, till the last exhalation, till the last flutter of nose hair. There is no vagueness in this; there is only hollowness to understand.

There is a lot to learn, and a lot to experience. There is a lot to feel, and a lot to emote. There is a lot to give up, including your own self. After all, what is there in your mind other than the myriad network of illusions that seem to take you to a final understanding, but make you lose your path, and squeal in laughter as you search for a way out - laughter which culminates in tears. Tears need not be only as an extension to sorrow, and then need not always find a path out. We cry because we need to, because the storm always needs to let itself out in a downpour. That is the only way it can handle itself, isn't it? And whatever we do in life, the result is always associated with a storm that brews in our soul. Do you still think tears are only for sorrowful reasons?

Pathetically​, we have become machines, and hiding our emotions is what we expect and is expected from us. We are not even half the humans we were supposed to be. And as I already said before, the only life we live is the physical one. We have become detached from our own selves. We cannot share our feelings any more, not even to self. We are expected to remain emotionally disconnected with the most important people in our life. We are regularly told not to haunt the psyche of others.  What are we, if not islands in the sea of all-knowing yet ignorant humanity?

When was the last time you smiled through your heart, and not just with a curl of lips to emote a frozen smile. When was the last time you loved, and loved, and not questioned the reality of that love. When was the last time you cried over a fallen butterfly, and smiled with wonder at another one, all in the same breath, and yet didn't fake a single of these emotions. When was the last time you removed all masks, and told a person what they really mean to you. And when was the last time you just tried to be a human.

Solitude, it is time I kill you. I no longer want to be away from myself.

‌"Don't you stand so much in front of that mirror now. You know you look like a fairy. The most beautiful fairy in the world", his toothless mouth curled up into a silly smile. Not entirely toothless; that one brown stub of an erstwhile tooth added more character to his face than an entire set of sparkling dentures could ever have. His daughter Kirti, hardly paid any heed to his words, she was innocently lost in the reflection of her new dress just brought by her baba. The 10 year old had been hankering her father to get one, for weeks now. And now that he had bought it, she was in no mood to do anything else than admire herself, and giggle non-stop while doing so.

‌"Also don't go out to play like this. I do not want you to spoil your dress in any way."

‌"Don't worry Baba. I will not go out to play today. Can I please sleep in this dress tonight? It is so soft. I will wear it always," she giggled some more.

‌He didn't want to say anything that would burst her bubble of happiness. His thoughts went to his deceased wife. Aruna would have been very happy today. She loved her daughter very much, just as he did. If not for that fateful storm which had swept away half their village along with Aruna, destroyed farms, and diminished all their savings - they would have still been happily living there and busy working in their field. Nature's fury had turned their life on its head overnight.

‌Kirti's touch brought him back to the emptiness that the present world held in its wake. "Where is your watch Baba? Why did you take it off?"
‌He was stunned for a while. Then with some effort, he pushed himself away from her and said, "I lost it beta. I am not sure where. But I will keep on searching for it. It will be somewhere around, I am sure."

‌"Oh, you are so careless. It was Ma's only gift that you have na? Please find it. And if it's lost, please buy a new one for you. Your hand looks bare without it. You can sell my dress and use that money. I can do with the old one. Where will you search now in this big city?"

‌He hugged his daughter hard and wept inconsolable. "It is ok beta. The needs of the ones with us are more important than the memories of those gone. Watches will come and​ go, your happiness is worth more than anything else."
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‌The owner of the clothes shop was still laughing at the foolishness of that wheelchair bound beggar who bartered a Swiss watch worth 2000 rupees for a dress of 200!!!